I’m scared. There is a part of me that knows that I have nothing to fear but there is also that part of me that wants you to put me out of my misery (whatever that looks like). I know that fear is not from you, but how else do you expect me to react to lifes current posture. I don’t want to pretend to be happy, but I’m so sick and tired of this dibilitating fear. When I am able to muster up another emotion it tends to be anger. Anger that you aren’t doing what I think you should do. Don’t you see me suffering? Is this a part of some cruel joke? Do you want to teach me some sort of lesson? Because if you do JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO KNOW! Maybe I’m just not bright enough to catch on.
And then there’s the guilt. The thought that maybe because I’m not praying as much as I should or doing everything that I can… Is this the reason I’m being tortured? I’m trying. I’m sure I could do better but I am trying. So we’re here. In a cycle of guilt and shame. Things that I know you never intended for me to feel. All you would have to do is rescue me. Fix my circumstances so that I can claim victory. Or just kill me. Take me out of this on going cycle of trial after trial.
Its very rare that a child takes a parent to court for support. But I’m here. I need you to hold up to your end of the bargain. You said you would never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:8). You said that if I acknowledged you in all my ways you would direct my paths (Proverbs 3:6). You said that the prayers of the rightous avail (James 5:16). You said that I should fear no evil for you are with me (Psalm 23:4). You said that you have plans to prosper me and not harm me (Jeremiah 29:11).
I wish I could say that I was in a place where I could wrap this letter up in a pretty bow that says Trust God! To be honest, its been a struggle to trust you. I’m going to continue to do my best. I’m going to continue to believe that you will see me through every trial and circumstance, but I do want to acknowlede that its HARD. I love you, and I thank you for life, because I know that someone would love the things that I’m complaining about. Help me to remember that you are ever faithful, and to continue to depend on YOU to see me through.